Your tits are I can't wait for
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
