Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
nutella sex= disaster
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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