I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
