Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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