He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
