I looked at my own cervix.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
