got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
