his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
