I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
