I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
