How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize