who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
