I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
