Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
