I think my vagina is haunted
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
