News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
