life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
