tell your sister to shave her snatch
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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