and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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