My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
