you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
