I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
