hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
