Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
