The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
