dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
