dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
