Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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