dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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