The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
