You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
