Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
