I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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