Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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