it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
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