in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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