Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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