Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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