One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
