May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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