I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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