I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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