It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
