dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
