I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
