She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
