She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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