The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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