I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
