my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
