and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
you win again, gameday.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
