Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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