just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
