I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I believe in your delicious
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
