2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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