But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
